The Reasons, The Goals

I'd just had it. Today was one of those horrid days when you do everything you know you shouldn't do. I was looking for comfort, though, and it was easily found at my favorite fast food restaurants.

Finals are coming up this week, and I spent the past few days studying and nursing a mild cold. I lived for the moment when Chris would come home, and we'd go out for lunch. I pretty much studied, read, watched TV, and waited for the day to end. That gets tedious fast, when that's been your pattern for months. Feeling lonely and vulnerable today, I shyly attempted to make plans with a friend, but none of the three people I tried were available at the time. I know if I'd told them the state I was in they'd have been there, but I preferred to stay silent than to insist on using their time. So I went home and paced in restlessness, finally deciding enough was enough.

After graduating with a bachelor's degree in psychology in 2008, I attempted to find work for a year and failed miserably. I couldn't afford to go to graduate school, but there weren't any jobs that I could get in to. I interviewed at a couple places, but alas, it was not to be. Feeling useless and ashamed, I ended up avoiding the topic and just gave up. In college, I'd been assertive and hard-working, impressing my teachers and competing with unknowing classmates for the top grades. I'd achieved a lot that I never knew I could do, planning events for the college in my capacity as the Associated Students' Secretary and delegating tasks to other student volunteers. I was moving constantly and studied like a beast, yet still had time to plan my wedding and hang out with friends. Where did this person go? I don't even know her anymore.

The academic world is something I know. I'm never more comfortable than in a classroom taking notes. But everywhere else, I'm nervous and frightened of failure. That probably contributed to my lack of work.

I grew lazy and isolated over the years, protecting myself from all the things I lacked. I turned more to food than ever before, and the pounds started coming on. I started college again in an attempt to do something, but found that the girl I had been wasn't completely there. It helped, but it wasn't the magic pill I'd been hoping for. I'm still terrified of the daily grind of work, and I'm still lazy. My emergency gallbladder removal surgery was a wake-up call, but nothing has motivated me more than my own self-loathing that has grown over time.

I know that I can be a hard worker again if I decide to be. I know I can change my life if I fight for it.

And now that time has come. I'm done hiding fearfully in my house. I'm done packing on pounds to punish myself. I'm done rationalizing my negative traits and stuffing my emotions. I'm done being a people-pleasing social chameleon. It's time to be honest, optimistic, and tough. And I hope you'll keep me accountable! ;-)

This blog will track my daily progress as I work to turn my life around. I will lose pounds, improve my diet, become closer to God, and become the person I want to be. I hope you'll come along for the ride; maybe you'll even feel encouraged to work on that thing you've been avoiding. If I can do it, I know you can do it, too.

So let's begin, shall we?